June 10, 2010
Just putting it out there
:(
supersad yesterday somethin somethin happened over the chat and it got me upset and it kinda took me back down the memory lane where i made this blog for the first time. High school. Sophomore year. Around October 2008 i believe? A little over a year ago. I remember writing about some emo stuff back then. How everything didnt go well that day etc etc. Which is basically my main purpose of this blog when i got it started. I would go to school. Something bad happened at school, which always did. Then i went home and wrote it here. Then secretly wished those people who I wrote about read it and realized that i have feelings too not just some shit walking around. I always rambled about how high school sucked. I know its super major annoying but what can i do? Well maybe i could've gone and told my friends about this whole misery but then again theyre just a bunch of happy kids, they either wouldnt understand or the wouldnt believe it because i knew my friends since junior high and back then i was a happy kid as well. Plus nothing really caught their interest other than online games or boys/relationships stuff.Junior year and first half of sophomore year was pretty much the worst. i tried my best to fit in but somehow people just kept kicking me out? When there was an assignment in groups I was always ended up in the unwanted group, you know the group filled with people who nobody wants to pick? Yep i was there. And God knows how much recess i spent alone in class. Thats gotta be hundreds of lunch breaks. How the hell did i survive back then? geez and i would walk alone everywhere. to the computer lab, english lab, downstairs to the sportsfield, cooking room. That was when i truly understand the meaning of being alone in the crowd, like your not alone but you ARE alone. Then it kinda continued on first half of sophomore year where i initially thought would be better because there were some people who i thought were supposed to be nice people. But i was wrong again, yay me. They were nice people, dont get me wrong, but unfortunately they werent so nice to me. I know theyre just joking and maybe i was the one who's overly sensitive? But it was just wrong. They crossed the line. You wont believe whats coming out of their mouth, hello dela has feelings too. Im pretty sure they wouldnt ever say such things to others. But why me? Dont you know that it hurts to be treated that way? (cue Everybody Hurts - R.E.M in the background) Do any of you have an idea how does it feel? Those questions kept repeating themselves in my mind back then but i never really had the courage to asked them those questions because i would rather shut up and just avoid any unnecessary confrontations (or is it necesarry?) that could possibly causing drama (HATE DRAMA with a passion) because even if i stood up for myself and tried to fight back i didnt think its gonna do me any good? I thought they'd be like "Geez were just joking" "omg dela cant take jokes" and then BAM they'd make me look like the bad guy so either way wouldnt do any good for me. And then there comes senior year. It was slightly better though. The hurtful stuff unexpectedly came from my own friends. But I wasnt really spend much time alone anymore. I dont know which one is worse? The misery of being alone or not alone but people keep hurting your feeling? And no im not exaggerating, those things really did happen. I tried to be cool about everything (again, to avoid drama) or at least try to look like im cool about everything but thats really how i felt back then. Even worse nobody was causing that other than myself because i actually fought my ass off to be able to go to that fuckin high school. My dad initially wanted me to go to either ipeka/smuki. And i insisted that i wanted to go to permai. If only i knew what i was getting myself into, its gonna be a whole different story. But anyways lesson learnt, i actually went to permai just because most of my friends went there and i thought going there would secure my upper middle spot on the social ladder which on the other words i could avoid any possibilities of me being an outcast or a loner or a misfit which unfortunately i was. So never depend on friends because people just change actually for quite a while i thought i hang out with wrong bunch of people *shrugs* i think if none of these happened to me i would never go to uph, just because if this whole follow-my-friends-everywhere-they-go thing worked out i would definitely go to either untar or binus because the majority of my schoolmates go there. I dont know ill just keep sending good vibe to uph and try to hope for the best. Anyway i finally getting out of that fucking high school, part of me is definitely happy because obviously it puts an end to my misery beibehhh and its clear that my life doesnt peak at highschool which is a good thing, i think? but other part of me is sad, just because i just missed 3 years of what supposed to be "the best years of my life" thats what everyone keeps referring high school to, right? and i missed prom, i missed bali trip. Not because im lazy or i dont have the money to spend but more because i once made a promise to myself that once im out of there theres no way in the world im coming back. To that building , to that bunch of people, except the ones that i really close with and the ones that are truly nice people. And hopefully nobody is unfortunate enough to go through what ive been through because nobody deserved to be treated that way ever. and btw yesterday someone told me "della is dead to me" over the chat. Too much for joking? Ya think? and that person throw mean jokes JUST towards me, what have i done to you that makes you act that way bitch? OMG please dont make me meet that kinda person anymore at uni, ive seriously had enough. I've put everything high school related waaay back. The war is over. I dont win but i survive. ( cue I Will Survive in the backgorund) and thats what really matters. I dealt with it. I didnt run away. I took responsibilities. And for that ill give credit to myself for getting through the most uneasy years of my 17 years life. Im moving on bitchhhhhh
cao ! mwah ♥ bububuu~
1:39 PM
irwan
September 2008